tears. sobs. crying is such a necessary part of my life. it may not always be appropriate, but i see little point in trying to fight them, not only that, but i am seldom suxxessful in this. sometimes i can postpone the inevitable for a short time, like if i am in public, but the tears always come before long.
but i'm not ashamed of it. the release i get from a good cry is essential to my fragile sanity.
that feeling, when your eyes are burning, knowing any minute those wonderful tears will be brimming around the edges, and the feeling i get when they finally spill over; warm and first, and then cooling off completely by the time they pass the cheekbones....
crying might not really accomplish anything other than letting the pain, or the hurt, or embarassment, or anger, or whatever the emotion is manifest itself into something physical that can leave the body before the psyche explodes.
i, too, am guilty of telling my son to suck it up sometimes, but thats when its whining, not real crying. maybe it isnt so acceptable for men to cry in our society, but im never going to try and repress that natural feeling in my son. being emotional isn't always a bad thing.
so, yes, i am a crybaby. and you know what? i don't care who knows it, and while i mgiht not be proud of it exactly, im not ashamed. who wants to hold all that shit in all the time? that'll never be for me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
the deal with an emotional affair
a friend asked last week what was emotional cheating. at the time, i told the short version of what happened at the end of 2007. the other women gathered had a few thoughts as well.
I'm not having a great day today, probably has something to do with the fact that I slept very little last night curtesy of my screaming daughter. Plus the weather is shit right now, so typical of February, which just adds to the general doom and gloom.
so anyway, in regard to valentines day, i'd been doing some thinking on the subject of emotional cheating, and had a few pearls.
one of my friends explained it by saying it was having a conversation with someone (basically of the opposite sex) that you wouldn't want to have in front of your spouse/bf/gf/you get the drift. or basically hiding the things you talk about from your spouse.
but i think thats a bit off. i mean, i have conversations with friends, mostly female, and often my mom, that i wouldn't have in front of max, but im certainly not cheating emotionally with my mom. people have friends in addition to lovers for that reason, among others. so i dont necessarily think thats grounds for cheating.
however, when the person you are talking to knows about personal things about your spouse or your relationship with your spouse, and you spouse doesnt know that the other person exists, and certainly knows nothing about them or the dynamic of the relationship, then boom - emotional cheating is most likely going on.
and thats becuz of loyalty. or rather, a shift in loyalty. when you take loyalty away from your spouse and give it to another woman/man, then whatever you want to call it - you are doing somethign very very wrong.
it boils down to this for me; one has emotional ties to their spouse, and to any number of family members and friends, but one relationship takes nothing away from the others. if it does, then that relationship is suspect.
i mean, definitely hiding a realtionship or a person from your spouse, or deliberately keeping them away is not ok behavior. i certainly dont think just becuz you are married to someone you have to be friends with their friends, but if your spouse considers someone a friend, then they should at least introduce you.
and any time you feel the urge to lie about someone to your spouse, you're being an asshole and probably somewhere inside, you know you're in the wrong.
and also, if you find yourself telling your spouse and your "friend" two different spins on your relationship, there's most likely a devious reason for that somewhere in your intentions. at least if the someone you're giving a different impression of things to is of the opposite sex.
anyway, there you go. my ramblings on the subject for the day.
happy valentine's day to whoever may read this. may your relationship be going better than mine, unless of course you are an asshole who deserves some bad karma.
I'm not having a great day today, probably has something to do with the fact that I slept very little last night curtesy of my screaming daughter. Plus the weather is shit right now, so typical of February, which just adds to the general doom and gloom.
so anyway, in regard to valentines day, i'd been doing some thinking on the subject of emotional cheating, and had a few pearls.
one of my friends explained it by saying it was having a conversation with someone (basically of the opposite sex) that you wouldn't want to have in front of your spouse/bf/gf/you get the drift. or basically hiding the things you talk about from your spouse.
but i think thats a bit off. i mean, i have conversations with friends, mostly female, and often my mom, that i wouldn't have in front of max, but im certainly not cheating emotionally with my mom. people have friends in addition to lovers for that reason, among others. so i dont necessarily think thats grounds for cheating.
however, when the person you are talking to knows about personal things about your spouse or your relationship with your spouse, and you spouse doesnt know that the other person exists, and certainly knows nothing about them or the dynamic of the relationship, then boom - emotional cheating is most likely going on.
and thats becuz of loyalty. or rather, a shift in loyalty. when you take loyalty away from your spouse and give it to another woman/man, then whatever you want to call it - you are doing somethign very very wrong.
it boils down to this for me; one has emotional ties to their spouse, and to any number of family members and friends, but one relationship takes nothing away from the others. if it does, then that relationship is suspect.
i mean, definitely hiding a realtionship or a person from your spouse, or deliberately keeping them away is not ok behavior. i certainly dont think just becuz you are married to someone you have to be friends with their friends, but if your spouse considers someone a friend, then they should at least introduce you.
and any time you feel the urge to lie about someone to your spouse, you're being an asshole and probably somewhere inside, you know you're in the wrong.
and also, if you find yourself telling your spouse and your "friend" two different spins on your relationship, there's most likely a devious reason for that somewhere in your intentions. at least if the someone you're giving a different impression of things to is of the opposite sex.
anyway, there you go. my ramblings on the subject for the day.
happy valentine's day to whoever may read this. may your relationship be going better than mine, unless of course you are an asshole who deserves some bad karma.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
my new plan
as you may or may nor know, my life isn't quite what i want it to be these days. been trying to work on this one for a while.
there have been a few small improvements. my step-daughter now lives with her mom, and that has releived quite a bit of stress for me personally, and relieved a bit of the tension between my husband and i. bad news is, things are still far from good. good news is, i am finally figuring out a feasible plan for my life. after all, if i don't take control, i will be a bad role model for my kids. bad shit happens to me, just like it does to most of us humans, but what's the point of sitting around like a helpless victim? none that i can see.
so here it goes, my new plan:
i've figured out that i'm gonna shoot for being an accountant. teaching is out becuz i have come to the realization that i don't much care for other people's children, primarily when thay are shit heads, as a good portion are. good benefits and good vacation schedule, but i just don't know that i have the right personality for the job.
of course my vision, inability to drive, primary role, first and foremost, of mommy, and my growing dislike for assholes, liars, phonies, and idiots, my choice of a career is sort of limited.
so back to accountacy. i had a teacher once in high school who said she used to be one, but switched to teaching becuz she was too much of a people person to do the cubicle and papers thing. since i am sort of the anit-people person, it seems a better fit. actually to be fair, i like some people, just not the nameless, mindless flock. however, i desperately need social interaction, so i am not exactly anti-people. i guess you could say i am more of a person person.
i think i could handle the office life, with the occasional customer if need be. i guess if i tried for cpa, there'd be much more customers. well, i don't know any accountants actually, so maybe i don't really know what the hell i'm talking about. all i really know is they do numbers, and i am pretty decent with that sort of thing.
so anyway, the tricky part now is figuring out my next move. i was gonna do a certificate program at the local university, being the equivalent of a bachelor's, but no degree = no financial aide = a no go. so now i have to figure out if a second bachelor's makes more sense of if taking whatever i need to be able to go for a master's and then doing that makes more sense.
realistically, i am giving myself until the next spring semester to figure this out and enroll in at least one class.
then i figure i give myself 2 years to have some sort of income, either online medical transcription or the like, or at least a part time job. i'd go for trying to get a part timer sooner, but the whole not likeing people, being blind, and not exactly trusting my husband alone for too long with baby girl as young and helpless as she is. too much xbox = not observant enuf = not the best daddy at times.
then i figure by 5 years from now, i plan to be able to reevaluate where i want to live in this country and have finished the education and be ready to start a new job in the city of my choosing. by then my kids will be in school and i should be ready for finacial independence from my husband, totally. then, if things are still shaky, i can go my seperate way with a lot less worry about how to make endsmeet and take care of the kiddies the way they deserve.
and if things are going better, i'll have a lot more say as to where in this world we live, and a change of pace might be just what the doctor ordered to make things even stronger.
plus, getting out of the house and into an office shoulg give me the regular adult human interaction that i am in such dire need of.
looks good on paper anyway. and having a plan, even a loose one like this gives me hope, somehting the look forward to, and the motivation i need to become a bit more proactive.
being blind and therefore on a very short tether to the home sucks, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
now if only i could find this same bit of motivation to write my first novel....
there have been a few small improvements. my step-daughter now lives with her mom, and that has releived quite a bit of stress for me personally, and relieved a bit of the tension between my husband and i. bad news is, things are still far from good. good news is, i am finally figuring out a feasible plan for my life. after all, if i don't take control, i will be a bad role model for my kids. bad shit happens to me, just like it does to most of us humans, but what's the point of sitting around like a helpless victim? none that i can see.
so here it goes, my new plan:
i've figured out that i'm gonna shoot for being an accountant. teaching is out becuz i have come to the realization that i don't much care for other people's children, primarily when thay are shit heads, as a good portion are. good benefits and good vacation schedule, but i just don't know that i have the right personality for the job.
of course my vision, inability to drive, primary role, first and foremost, of mommy, and my growing dislike for assholes, liars, phonies, and idiots, my choice of a career is sort of limited.
so back to accountacy. i had a teacher once in high school who said she used to be one, but switched to teaching becuz she was too much of a people person to do the cubicle and papers thing. since i am sort of the anit-people person, it seems a better fit. actually to be fair, i like some people, just not the nameless, mindless flock. however, i desperately need social interaction, so i am not exactly anti-people. i guess you could say i am more of a person person.
i think i could handle the office life, with the occasional customer if need be. i guess if i tried for cpa, there'd be much more customers. well, i don't know any accountants actually, so maybe i don't really know what the hell i'm talking about. all i really know is they do numbers, and i am pretty decent with that sort of thing.
so anyway, the tricky part now is figuring out my next move. i was gonna do a certificate program at the local university, being the equivalent of a bachelor's, but no degree = no financial aide = a no go. so now i have to figure out if a second bachelor's makes more sense of if taking whatever i need to be able to go for a master's and then doing that makes more sense.
realistically, i am giving myself until the next spring semester to figure this out and enroll in at least one class.
then i figure i give myself 2 years to have some sort of income, either online medical transcription or the like, or at least a part time job. i'd go for trying to get a part timer sooner, but the whole not likeing people, being blind, and not exactly trusting my husband alone for too long with baby girl as young and helpless as she is. too much xbox = not observant enuf = not the best daddy at times.
then i figure by 5 years from now, i plan to be able to reevaluate where i want to live in this country and have finished the education and be ready to start a new job in the city of my choosing. by then my kids will be in school and i should be ready for finacial independence from my husband, totally. then, if things are still shaky, i can go my seperate way with a lot less worry about how to make endsmeet and take care of the kiddies the way they deserve.
and if things are going better, i'll have a lot more say as to where in this world we live, and a change of pace might be just what the doctor ordered to make things even stronger.
plus, getting out of the house and into an office shoulg give me the regular adult human interaction that i am in such dire need of.
looks good on paper anyway. and having a plan, even a loose one like this gives me hope, somehting the look forward to, and the motivation i need to become a bit more proactive.
being blind and therefore on a very short tether to the home sucks, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
now if only i could find this same bit of motivation to write my first novel....
Monday, February 2, 2009
influenza
i am suffering from it. i choose to call it influeza rather than its more commonly used and shorter form, the flu.
here's some of my thoughts on the subject.
it used to be such a common thing to die from back in the day, even less than a century ago right? and certainly when playing Oregon Trail - on of the best games ever, or so it would seem at the time - many a times did my wagonmates and i die from it.
so how come you never hear of it these days? oh sure, the occasional old person and young child or baby might, and it is certainly sad, i imagin devastaing to those who love that person, just as death in any form would be.
but how many times have you gotten the flu, thought, "well this sucks" deal with feeling like shit for days and days, but don't do much else about it? or is it just me? i don't recall anyone i know getting the flu, no matter how bad, and be worried about their life because of it.
did somehow merely shortening the word itself make it less potent? how can that be?
i get that medicine has come a long way and all, so that treatment would improve ones chances of fighting off any illness, but what about those of us who don't seek treatment of any kind?
maybe i shouldn't be reading books so much that talk to times past?
maybe i should just be thankful that it isn't the threat it once was?
and, maybe, being that i am certainly not expert on the subject, they aren't even the same disease.
maybe the modern flu really is just weaker, far less potent, distant cousin of the influenza.
here's some of my thoughts on the subject.
it used to be such a common thing to die from back in the day, even less than a century ago right? and certainly when playing Oregon Trail - on of the best games ever, or so it would seem at the time - many a times did my wagonmates and i die from it.
so how come you never hear of it these days? oh sure, the occasional old person and young child or baby might, and it is certainly sad, i imagin devastaing to those who love that person, just as death in any form would be.
but how many times have you gotten the flu, thought, "well this sucks" deal with feeling like shit for days and days, but don't do much else about it? or is it just me? i don't recall anyone i know getting the flu, no matter how bad, and be worried about their life because of it.
did somehow merely shortening the word itself make it less potent? how can that be?
i get that medicine has come a long way and all, so that treatment would improve ones chances of fighting off any illness, but what about those of us who don't seek treatment of any kind?
maybe i shouldn't be reading books so much that talk to times past?
maybe i should just be thankful that it isn't the threat it once was?
and, maybe, being that i am certainly not expert on the subject, they aren't even the same disease.
maybe the modern flu really is just weaker, far less potent, distant cousin of the influenza.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
heart like a storm cloud
my mood is totally matching the weather today. just feeling pretty depressed and rejected today.
im not exactly wallowing in self pity, but im certainly no life of any party either. but hey, at least im not one of those dumb bitches who cuts myself so people witll take notice and then feel all sorry for me cuz im so fucked up. i gotta laugh at those fools, sorry, butits not becuz im a callous bitch, its just cuz i think that they are full of shit and do it for attention rather than just not being able to deal with emotional pain.
as for me, right now i am taking refuge in my headphones. i dont think i could live without music. its such a powerful thing and theres so much of it out there that one can always find something to fit any mood.
i didnt think id get so much use out of a mp3 player in my present life. always thought if i still lived in nyc id get an ipod, cuz i was always carrying around my cd player and some cds. an ipod or something similar would have been very handy, but i didnt realize how much i still need my tunes, even when im walking around and interacting with my family i can have my own personal soundtrack. so awesome. and when im feeling like i want to shut them out, im too old, and my kids are too young to go lock myself in my room, buti can escape for a while with my headphones. its such an important thing for my psyche sometimes.
its like my one little luxury that i can actually take for myself and not feel too terribly guilty about it.
god i love music!!!!
im not exactly wallowing in self pity, but im certainly no life of any party either. but hey, at least im not one of those dumb bitches who cuts myself so people witll take notice and then feel all sorry for me cuz im so fucked up. i gotta laugh at those fools, sorry, butits not becuz im a callous bitch, its just cuz i think that they are full of shit and do it for attention rather than just not being able to deal with emotional pain.
as for me, right now i am taking refuge in my headphones. i dont think i could live without music. its such a powerful thing and theres so much of it out there that one can always find something to fit any mood.
i didnt think id get so much use out of a mp3 player in my present life. always thought if i still lived in nyc id get an ipod, cuz i was always carrying around my cd player and some cds. an ipod or something similar would have been very handy, but i didnt realize how much i still need my tunes, even when im walking around and interacting with my family i can have my own personal soundtrack. so awesome. and when im feeling like i want to shut them out, im too old, and my kids are too young to go lock myself in my room, buti can escape for a while with my headphones. its such an important thing for my psyche sometimes.
its like my one little luxury that i can actually take for myself and not feel too terribly guilty about it.
god i love music!!!!
Friday, January 9, 2009
my mission
i don't have a whole lot of excitement in my life these days, and i dont get out nearly as much as i would like to. so as a result, i spend quite a bit of time in my head, which can drive a body crazy.
so i have decided to get some of it out.
so basically readers, you never know what you may find when you stop by for a visit. probably mainly just ramblings by me about whatever strange dreams i might have had the night before, or something that is on my mind that i just can't seem to shake.
maybe it'll be thoughts on a new story, and maybe i will somehow find the motivation from just writing whatever comes to mind on here to actyally work on a book or something. and maybe i'll get bored in a month and just forget to come back.
you never can tell with me.
but therapy is exprensive and sometimes i do better just to get stuff out on my own.
maybe you'll fiind it interesting and then again, maybe not. but as random as my mind is, im sure there will be a few amusing things on here from time to time. and then again, it might just be a way for me to get a little insight on myself. that wouldnt be so bad either.
so i have decided to get some of it out.
so basically readers, you never know what you may find when you stop by for a visit. probably mainly just ramblings by me about whatever strange dreams i might have had the night before, or something that is on my mind that i just can't seem to shake.
maybe it'll be thoughts on a new story, and maybe i will somehow find the motivation from just writing whatever comes to mind on here to actyally work on a book or something. and maybe i'll get bored in a month and just forget to come back.
you never can tell with me.
but therapy is exprensive and sometimes i do better just to get stuff out on my own.
maybe you'll fiind it interesting and then again, maybe not. but as random as my mind is, im sure there will be a few amusing things on here from time to time. and then again, it might just be a way for me to get a little insight on myself. that wouldnt be so bad either.
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